Dear sisters part 3,

 APPEARANCES

One of the most aesthetically and spiritually beautiful lady's I've ever know in life dated and married a man who everyone in our circle thought of as a nerdy  toad.  She was taller than him, he had big bug eyes and was oddly shaped his body kind of sloped to the right.  They met in college.  He was her math tutor.  Things just evolved from there.

One day I asked my friend why she married him - out of all of the men who were throwing themselves at her.  Her response - "my mother taught me how to get to know people by their spirit rather than by their appearance".  (That blew my mind.)  She went on to talk about wanting a meaningful marriage that lasted for life and children.  She wanted to be a homemaker and write books for children.  Long story short - the man she married appealed to her heart when all the other guys were attempting to appeal to her greed, intellect, or sensuality.  The man she married wanted to give her the kind of life she wanted.  Most of the other men who were vying for affection essentially wanted a trophy to better enable them to ascend to the upper rungs of societal and corporate achievement.

Since that time (in the late 70's) I've heard variations of the same story countless times from women and men who were happily  married to people the world would see as being beneath them.  The qualities they looked for in people did not have anything to do with status, money, appearances, or power.  They wanted mates who were reliable, thoughtful, considerate, honest, fun loving, and the like.

So, it is my earnest opinion that when we make a persons appearance a top qualification on our list of marriageable qualities - we seriously diminish and in some cases obliterate our opportunities to wed a person who is other wise perfectly suited for us. 

As for me, my only requirement was that the person I marry be someone who adores me and will stay by me no matter what for as long as we live.  Most of all, I wanted an adult live and let live relationship where we are both free to do what makes sense to our souls as long as we consult with and consider each other in all of the life decisions we make. 

My list was so shabby because I've learned, from experience, that a man who loves me with his whole heart and is devoted to me will not compromise his love for me and his money will always be mine.  Also, he will never ever no matter what intentionally do anything to hurt me (even if his lower head transgresses.)

I've learned that we keep men from being honest with us when we fly off the handle or make unwarranted accusations every time they say or do something that we don't like or agree with.  The key is to be cool, state your opinion or displeasure openly and honestly and calmly talk out a win win scenario - even if it takes a month.  By all means, DO NOT let one area of contention adversely effect everything else that is good in the relationship.  Your mate may  tell you things you'd rather not hear from time to time; but, REJOICE, because they are trusting you with their heart and soul at that point.  I've learned that men are generally content with a relationship and will stay as long as you take care of yourself,  trust him, respect him, feed him, and let him be himself. 

This is the most important thing:  Don't expect a man to know what you want or how you feel if you do not tell him.  With few exceptions we are not mind readers.  We do NOT have the ability to look into another persons heart or mind and determine exactly what they are thinking or feeling at any given time. When we get to know people, we are at best able to determine how they will probably respond or react to specific situations; but that is not to be confused with knowing.  My Dad has ingrained in my psyche that if we don't tell a man what we want and/or need, we are not likely to get it.  If he gives us what we ask for or tells us why he can't - that is for him an expression of love.  Don't expect a man to know what you want or how you feel if you do not tell him. 


My disclaimer sisters:  Whenever I write about men, I'm referring to people who were born male, are ethically minded and sane individuals.  Although I have no issues with a marriage between two females - I have know idea how that dynamic works so I can not speak on it.  Also, I make it a practice to stay away from men who are known dogs, liars, thieves, cheaters, mentally, socially, and/or spiritually incompetent, dependent on whoever their latest victim is, financially inept, mentally and/or physically abusive, and the like.  So, I can not speak on those type men either other than to advise you to GET AWAY FROM THEM AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

If good looks were to be pitted against devotion in any contest where relationships are concerned.  Good looks would not have a chance.  Think about it!
Let peace be your guide,

Andrea
P.S.  One day I am going to muster up the courage to write about the worse relationship of my life.  If it wasn't so embarrassing I would have written a book about it a few years ago.